.

I don't deserve to have friends.

I've just had 3 of my friends decide that I was being a mean bitch and a spoilsport like out of nowhere. Ok, I admit. I haven't exactly been the nicest girl/friend around but this was too unexpected. Honestly, who would've expected that your friends to go party on NYE without you and the reason they didn't ask you along (even though the first person they thought of was you) was because I'm always a spoilsport with my mood. I've been mean with my words because I expected an explanation. Anyone would have been if they were in my shoes but maybe I've been a little too oversensitive (as I've always been).

They were the best things that happened to me in 2012. Definitely topped the list. I've taken them for granted and they gave me 2 options: stay and change, or leave. I didn't want to leave the group, to be honest. But I've always chosen escape in situations like this because I know I'm in the wrong and I don't deserve them after all I've done. I regret my decision but all I can do now is change outside of the group and hopefully they see the change and want to be my friends again. I'm the kind that needs people to tell me my mistakes and constantly remind me I have to change. I'm not a nice friend to have cos I'm always so impulsive on my reaction to things. I'm.... aggressive. In actions and words. And I've been trying to change that fact of me but you have no idea how hard it is.

I didn't mean to do all of this. I didn't even know that I did all of this mean things. I do things without thinking, only regretting when I suffer the consequences. I'm sorry for everything I've done and I don't know what can I do to change things now.

Going to Taiwan in March in a group of 11. I'm going to be the odd one out with no friends for sure. No matter how much Jia Ming and Barry will console me that they won't leave me out, I know I will be.

Oh well. Life. I'm just not meant to have friends.